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Guns and ammo can save our floundering economy

Now that America’s banking, real estate, stock market, insurance and automobile bubbles have all burst, what’s a hard-working, God-fearing citizen supposed to do for a job? Can you believe that even the casino industry is laying off? Fortunately alcohol is still stable, but prostitution futures have tanked. Curses, if the sin market is sinking, we’re in more trouble than we thought.

But one industry has heroically come to our rescue – yes, guns. Firearm sales are through the roof. Gun makers are adding shifts and gun stores are adding clerks. They’re sparking the whole economy. Researchers have identified several reasons: Barack Obama, the recession, and self-defense.

It’s not that they fear Mr. Obama will come after them physically. Rather they see him as a strident gun control zealot who will soon make gun sales illegal. Thus we had better buy now. The recession in turn provokes fears of unemployed armed mobs roving the streets looking for any wealth they can grab. If you happen to have some, you’d better be ready to mount a show of force in response. And nowadays, it’s also critical to be armed and ready when screwballs at Columbine, Virginia Tech, Binghamton and North Carolina show up and start shooting. Who let those nuts have guns anyway? But since they do, we’d better too.

Thus you’ll be pleased to learn that Connecticut has just taken a solid step to end this insanity. Thanks to its valiant legislature, it is now illegal to hand a machine gun to anyone under age 16. Seems last year an eight-year-old at a local range got hold of an Uzi, lost control of it, and shot his head off. Brave pols thought that was wrong and responded fast.

In fact some folks in D.C. figured this would be a good cover to pass still sterner laws. After all, our nation’s chief gun nut left office in January and many of his congressional soulmates were on the same outbound train. But surprise, the Democrats who replaced them still report to that same constituency. Consequently when an amendment to the popular credit card reform bill proposed to allow guns in national parks, it passed in a breeze. There’s bears out there, and wolves and rattlers, and Packers fans.

Neither could Congress even rouse itself to reinstate the old ban on assault weapons. That one expired five years ago. OK, maybe you wouldn’t have expected it to be brought back during the recent Dark Ages, but why not now in the new glow of enlightenment? Are we trying to make it easier for the terrorists?

Well, some are. The Texas legislature is considering a bill to allow the carrying of concealed weapons on college campuses. Virginia Tech, you know – you’ve just got to be ready for anything. Meanwhile lawmakers in Arkansas are contemplating allowing heat in churches. Hang on now: 42 states already do, although churches can establish their own prohibition if they like. Visit your local police department for usher training.

In fact why not go further? Let’s have guns and their owners licensed and registered like cars and drivers. Every gun would be listed in a single giant database, tested and certified, with transfers recorded. Owners would be tested too, photographed and subject to periodic re-registration. You’ll be shocked to hear that some despotic countries, like Switzerland, already do that very thing.

But for now, let’s worry first about the economy. If each of us would simply pledge to buy just one gun we could get that old GDP rolling again. It seems almost a patriotic duty.